I got back in the saddle today on my show. The last episode I taped was way back for the green day. The absence was needed to focus on The Waltz, but with everything that happened, now I’m in need of a period of healing.
We’re still in the process of making season 3 happen, but in the meantime, lemme check in! You can visit www.theavadavis.com for more info. Or watch the episode below!
[Transcript/
People say what’s the worst they can say? No?
Ok, trans awareness week is over but … I’m still trans 24/7. And not a single red cent of Jeff Bezos billions have come to my or my community’s aid.
Tax deduction, I’m just saying.
Alright, y’all. It’s been a minute. Like a long minute. Like … Valentine’s day of this year minute? No. Nope! I did an episode also for the green day.
But I’m back. Ish. But … let’s get into it.
Look, I still want to raise approximately $12,500 to tape a half-season of this show.
I also would like to make The Decision for $100K.
I would also like to throw the 1st Queer Debutante Ball. $7K venue rental. $2K for entertainers. Probably $15K for food, but that’s definitely paid for by ticket sales.
I would also like the Royal Southeastern Independent Film Tour. $32K.
And finally, Santa baby, just slip a feature film under the tree, for me. I’ve been an awfully good girl.
I left work early today. Because, I get there with enough time to help silence or at least work through things in my mind. And, since we’re towards the tail end of this year, I always go inward and reflect. And I started reflecting on the worst thing people could say.
No. And it’s true. In a vacuum, the worst thing another could say when one asks for something is no.
But when that no is compounded, like in real life? When it’s kind of the same ask, multiple times, over the course of multiple years, shit wears on you.
Friday, as I was wrapping up a production meeting for Black Girls and Fairytales, my new friend gave me encouragement. I’d invited her to check out Milanote, which I use for everything when i need to visualize, moodboard, and dream, and I invited her to my boards for The Waltz. She said, I can see the passion you have for this project.
I felt seen. I almost started crying on the phone, y’all. This year, more than any other year, I have poured myself into this film. At least, I did up until the end of July. And then October.
We all know what I’ve done this year for the Waltz, so I’m not gonna rehash that. The business plans. The marketing plans. The ticket and other projections. The videos made. The crowdfunding campaign. The amount of big no’s I’ve heard this year crippled me. It realy did.
And I felt seen, because for the past few weeks, ever since being accepted into Film Fatales, I have been unable to make a move. I’ve felt like I’ve applied and applied and … honestly I’m demoralized.
There was an incident a couple of weeks ago, and I’ve told a couple of close friends but really no one else , that just completely shattered my faith as a black trans woman, or really any marginalized filmmaker, in pursuing these contests or grants or basically money grabbing cattle calls, which is what they feel like. So Film Fatale posts and sends emails with things to apply to, and I’m literally stuck in the — what’s the point,? Mindset?
I mean, really the question is : what’s the return on my time investment? Or, usually, also money. Because all of these things have application fees. And I get it; reviewing applications takes work and everyone should be compensated for labor.
Last night I got to chat with my fellow sundance fellow, and honestly, he feels like my queer fairy godperson. He was updating me on some changes that had taken place, and then we also got to catch up. And he gave me encouragement as well, as I told him I’m just emotionally not able to work on The waltz right now. I’m not. Every time I try, whether to type another email to reach out or try and work out what the next steps are, I just end up in tears. It’s not a healthy response, and I don’t know what the answer is.
So, just like when the pandemic was underway and I needed a way to release, I’m turning back to my show. Because, it does bring me joy. Because it is something i can do, and control.
Unlike raising funds for feature films or shorts I’m helping to produce or taking said shorts on tour or planning a queer debutante ball.
Doing this forces me to verbalize what it is i’m trying to process, because I ahve a horrible habit of wanting to shut down. Verbal communication isn’t my forte, nor my learning strength. I’m much more so visually and kinesesthically .
And, for now, until I can raise the funds to hire a crew to tape the interviews (because I’m not taping interviews again with out help; it is a lot to manage on my own) you all have me. Or rather, hopefully, I have you all.
Alright, now I have to go work on creating messaging for the end of the year giving campaign, and what that looks like and where I want to focus attention.
Until next time.
/transcript]
